apa sih yang dicari??

"Mami, mau cucus...Mami mau cucus (-susu-)," rengekan disertai tangisan keluar dari bibir kecil Cheva, anakku yang berusia 26 bulan..
Setengah hati kubuka mataku yang masih terkantuk-kantuk, kulihat keluar jendela apartemen. Di luar masih gelap gulita. Lampu-lampu gedung bertingkat masih menyala dengan indahnya.Kulihat jam wekerku. Ya ampun..

Waktu menunjukkan pukul 03.25.
"Mami, cucus..Mami, mau cucus," tangisan cheva kini bertambah kencang, tak sabar untuk minum susu..
"Iya, iya..Sabar sayang," ujarku setengah ngantuk,"Tunggu ya Mami bikin dulu."
Dengan langkah gontai, aku menuju dapur yang letakny:a persis di luar pintu kamar.
Maklumlah, tinggal di apartemen type 53m2 :)

Sambil membuat susu, aku berpikir dalam hati,"Kapan putri cantikku ini tidur lelap sepanjang malam, dan aku nggak perlu membuat susu lagi."
Ya, sabar-sabar aja.Dijalani aja semuanya.

Setelah selesai membuat susunya kembali kulangkahkan kakiku menuju kamar,"Cheva, cheva ini susunya."

"Mami pegang..(maksudnya mami yang pegang botol susunya) Mami pegang."
"Lho, lho, Cheva kan udah besar.Cheva pegang botolnya sendiri ya."
Walopun sempat merajuk akhirnya Cheva mau juga memegang botol susunya..

Dan setelah susu selesai diminum, Cheva kembali tidur..
Begitulah kehidupanku setiap subuh..Mungkin sama dengan ibu2 lainnya diluar sana yang memiliki batita..

........

Kriiing...kriiinng...kraaannng..kreeenng..kroongg..
Suara alarm handphoneku secara mengejutkan berbunyi.
Kutengadahkan kepalaku melihat jam..
Ya ampun sudah pukul 05.00..gawatz..kudu cepet2 bangun nih. Ada interview jam 08.30. Memang masih lama, tapi letaknya jauh bener dari rumahku.
Aku tinggal di Cawang Jakarta Timur. Tempat testnya di Lippo Karawaci Tangerang..
Bagaikan Kutub Utara dan Kutub Selatan jauhnya. Pada test pertama kali kesana aku menggunakan bis..Ya ampun, lama banget nyampenya. Sekarang bawa mobil sendiri..
Setelah selesai membuatkan mamaku dan cheva sarapan, memandikan cheva, dan terakhir menyiapkan keperluan test.Berangkatlah aku.

"Mam, titip cheva ya..Testnya selesai sekitar jam 12.30,"ujarku kepada mamaku yang special datang dari Bandung untuk menjaga Cheva selama aku pergi untuk mengikuti test di UPH.

Masih terbayang dalam benakku percakapan kami 2 hari yang lalu via telpon.

*************************

"Mam, hari Selasa nanti Ririn ada test di UPH, apa sebaiknya Ririn nggak ikut aja ya,"ujarku kepada Mama.

"Lho, kenapa nggak ikut? Ini kan kesempatan bagus. Bukannya kamu ingin kembali kerja. Sekarang Cheva juga sudah besar kan,"ujar Mama.

"Iya sih Mam, tapi siapa yang jaga Cheva?"

'Gini aja deh. Mama kan ngajar hari Senin pagi. Senin siang mama akan ke jakarta naik KA.
Terus Selasa sore Mama pulang, karena hari Rabu Mama mesti ngajar lagi."

Oya, Mamaku adalah seorang dosen di sebuah Fakultas Kedokteran Universitas ternama di Bandung.

"Ok deh, Mam..thank u banget yah.Ntar Ririn dan Cheva jemput di St.Jatinegara."

**********************************
Cheva menangis,"Mami..Mami, Cheva ikut Mami."

"Cheva sayang, Mami pergi sebentar test ya.Ntar siang ketemu lagi.Kita main lagi sama-sama ya."

"Mami, nggak mau..Cheva mau ikut."Cheva terus merajuk hendak ikut dan tak mengizinkan aku pergi. Sedih juga hatiku melihatnya. Telah terbiasa bersamanya 24/7 membuatku berat untuk meninggalkannya.

"Sudah, sudah Cheva, kan ada Opung." Mamaku membujuk Cheva.Cheva menoleh kepada Mama dan akhirnya tangisnya mereda.

Kucium kening Cheva dan segera berangkat.Takut macet..

***************************

Sepanjang perjalanan menuju UPH hujan rintik-rintik mengguyur kota Jakarta.
Langit tampak hitam mendung..
Kenapa ya tiap mau test ke UPH selalu hujan, pikirku dalam hati.
Apa ini tanda alam kalau Tuhan nggak setuju aku kesini??

Teringat dalam benakku perkataan suamiku via email 3 hari yang lalu. Email ini merupakan balasan dari emailku yang ngasih tahu kalo aku dipanggil test ke UPH.

From: Riana Magdalena [mailto:r_silitonga2002@yahoo.com]
Sent: Saturday, December 13, 2008 7:57 AM
To: Raymond P H
Subject: Soo what's next??

Hi Cantiq,

Very nice picture at your blog, it's really nice and lovely.. anyway why the picture of Cheva not smile? or She smile like that, we need to change her smile to be like her picture at 2nd birthday .......... orrr She angry because her father is far away from her?? i'm really a stupid father

any way this picture make me feel guilty and want to go home, it's true that i'm stupid to work like this, far away from family... i'm really stupid husband...

please forgive me.........
congratulations on the info for the next test at UPH..
Ri, sebenernya apa sih yang elu cari??
gue kadang nggak ngerti mau elu. Kemarin di email elu nanya pendapat gue apa pergi nggak ke test 1 di UPH?
Bukannya elu bilang nggak mau dan mau fokus cari beasiswa??
Kok sekarang malah pergi ke UPH?
Kadang gue bingung elu maunya apa..

Love u,

Ray..


Iya ya, apa sih yang sebenarnya aku cari..
Apa betul aku mau balik kerja? Apa itu yang sebetulnya aku inginkan.
Pertanyaan ini terus menghantui hati dan pikiranku sepanjang perjalananku ke Karawaci.

Pukul 7.20, tibalah aku di pelataran parkir UPH.
"Thanks God for guiding me here safe and sound." ujarku dalam hati berdoa pada-Nya.
Ini pertama kalinya aku menyetir sendiri kesini, rasanya takjub banget bisa sampai dengan selamat tanpa disertai kemacetan jalanan..

Setelah mengikuti test TOEFL dan psikotest selama 3 jam.

Aku kembali masuk dalam Hyundai Accent hitamku.
Masuk jalan tol Jakarta Merak. Nggak ada kemacetan berarti.Jalanan mulus.

"Apa sih yang kucari?"Kembali pertanyaan itu kembali terbersit di kepalaku.

Menempuh jarak begini jauh, meninggalkan Cheva, membuat Mama Bandung repot datang dari Bandung.

"Apakah ini benar-benar yang kamu impikan,Riana?"

Venez bed room

at the church...

I Believe..

trying to understand how to recognize God's voice when He speeks to us..
wanting so hard to experiencing God so completely in my life as Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Rapha, and Jehovah Shallom..
wanting so hard to experience being the child of The King Almighty..
wanting so hard to please Him..

i want to change my life to focus on Jesus..
nowdays, i am only focusing on what I want in life, I want to change and ask God,"How can I serve You God? Use me according to Your ways."

there is one song I learnt from a church service at Duta Injil 3 weeks ago,
this song was sang by Edward Chen in his new album Adore..

Hatiku Percaya

Saat ku tak melihat jalanMu
Saat ku tak mengerti rencanaMu
Namun tetap kupegang janjiMu
Pengharapanku hanya padaMu

Hatiku percaya
Hatiku percaya
Hatiku percaya

Selalu kupercaya

Lord I will trust in You
Lord I will trust in You
Lord I will trust in You
My heart will trust in You

This song has blessed me so much..
Not to question God when things are going the opposite way I planned..When so much questions come into my heart, and I get so confused I sing this song..And God gives me peace and a new strength to go on..
I am really lucky to be chosen as God's child..I am really blessed to have Jesus in my life..

I don't know what path I am going to walk in, but I am not worried any more because I believe in Jesus..

Yang, ini foto2 gue di UPH sebelum wawancara..lounge rektoratnya cool abis ya..

13 december 2008

cheva,my sweet and lovely daughter is all asleep now..
tired after along day at her uncles house today..
there was a ceremony to celebrate moving into the new house, using bataknese tradition..
along with her uncles birthday, the celebration went all day long at cikunir..

before going there, i took some photo's of me and cheva..
we were all dressed up, beautiful enough to go to the ceremony..
actually cheva was beautiful, and i look more like L.E.N.O.N.G...
or maybe like chinesse vampire, my make up was two white..all because of the foundation i used today..but -Maybelline- is very good..it reduces the oil from my face from morning to afternoon (eks sales of Maybelline..ups..sorry, no intention of promoting here :D)

cheva love's the playground

hai dear...

how was work yesterday? hopefully everything is going great there..
today in the morning..me and cheva played in the playground downstairs..
she had a great time..

i took some pictures..
she looks so happy doesn't she..
today, it was shiny in the morning..
so we went to the playground..

she looks so beautiful doesn't she..

christmas will be so lonely without you..

i miss u honey..

this christmas and new year will be so different without you..
i really miss you and hope you were here..

life is so different without you..
the happiness I feel with cheva feels so uncomplete..

nowdays cheva has a new hobby,
she likes to take pictures of herself..yep..imagine a two year old taking pictures of herself using my handphone..
this is one of her pictures..

cheva's 2 birthday

my beautiful cheva on her 2nd birthday

confused..

what would you choose?
an opportunity for a job at a prestigious university?
or an uncertain hope for a dream to continue your education at Australia?

what would you choose?
being a housewife and full time mother? or being a career woman?

what would you choose?
chasing your dreams? or letting other people control your life?

i'm in the middle of a deep contemplation..
choosing the right decision that would affect the happiness of me, my husband, and daughter..

it's tough, but I have to decide.

feeling hopeless

i don't know why right now it's so hard for me to feel grateful about anything..
it seems that everything i do is not good and seems to experience failure..
am i a looser?
my mother in law just came and brought me and cheva a new TV set for us (actually it was from their house and not used any more..) but still to me it's new..
well, we are not going to talk about TV here..the point is, i tried to clean up the house,wash the dirty clothes, bath cheva and me as quickly as I can..but still I find there are so many dirt in the house when she arrived..

i keep on wandering, what will she think of me..
i imagine her right now, talking to my father in law,"Oh My God, how dirty her house is.No wander our grandchild is sick".
I feel that I've failed to take care of cheva's health, that's why she is suffering from asma right now :(
she vomited 4 times yesterday..I shouldn't went to bandung the other day..

I failed in the scholarship process, I failed in the interview process at UPH last week.
I failed to please my husband just by going to the interview. Yep, Raymond didn't approve me attending the interview.
I fail to please God, in full filling my commitment to serve Him in church.
I keeep on contemplating right now, why am I like this..
I need to change..
Life should be much more meaningful and worthy to live in. I need a change of heart..
I need new spirit and passion to keep on going.
Oh gosh, what a holiday would be great..
Need to plan new steps for the future..can't fail anymore..need to focus..
Riana wake up, don't sleep while living!!! You will stumble again and again..

my soul longs for You!!

It has come to my deepest thoughts about my self as a human being on this earth.

What are the purposes of my presence here on earth.

Why is my life so awkward and seem so meaningless?

It seems that something is missing…but what is it? I’m still searching..

And I will search until my last breath.

If I look around, I’m surrounded by one word COMFORT..

Yep, I’m living in the comfort zone..This to me is danger. I’m afraid that I can’t leap from this zone..

I’m never comfortable in this zone, and always willing to run.

I keep on running, but when should I stop..

I keep on searching, bet when should I find the true answers to all of my questions..

When is the word “enough” come out and fills my heart?

I live in a small and cozy apartment in the middle of this big city Jakarta.

I have a gorgeous husband and a beautiful daughter.

I have enough food to eat, I have enough love from my husband and daughter.

But why am I still not feeling complete…

Something is missing..and I’m whispering to wind,”Please tell the world I’m missing something? Something is lost from me? Can you help me find it? Please tell the nine winds to search through the earth, where can it be?”

In this lonely morning at 3.44 am, life has just started to wake up from a long sleep.

Through these years, I’ve been sleeping though I am awake.

Through these years, I can’t sleep well at night and becoming an insomnia freak.

I don’t know, am I suffering from such a psychological disturbance or something?

Why am I thinking all the and contemplating on my self, finding out what’s wrong with me?

Is it so wrong to have a dream..

Is it so wrong for a “kampungnese” (for what my husband calls me “urang kampung”) person like me to chase a dream.

I’ve always trusted my heart, though sometimes people seem to underestimate my decisions. But these past years I’ve changed, I’m trying to trust God with all I am.

So I pray...

God please be in my head and in my heart.

So every step I make will be according to your will.

I’ve been running all these time from the Ultimate One!

I’m tired..I give my life, I give my dreams to you..

Lord, please tell me what are Your ways? I’m so stupid and feeling so weary trying to understand what is Your will..

Is there any opportunity my dreams and Your will collide?

I’ve been through so many hardship that I’m starting to question so many things, even my faith in You..I’m so soory Lord..

I feel like the most precious part of me is vanishing and missing..If the most important thing is missing than how can I live..

Please don’t let me be alone..I really really want to hug You,Lord.

Please let me feel Your presence..

Please..

Please give me back the heart of loving you completely..

Please lessen my burdens..

Lord, please come back and live in my heart..in my blood, in my breath, in every existence I am, please be in me..

I miss u so much Lord Jesus…