coratcoret

my heart has lost it's place

2009-12-12T09:53:00.000-08:00

hati yang telah teramat sering disakiti hingga menjadi puing-puing akan sulit untuk direkatkan kembali..
semua bentuk kecewa dan sedih berkecamuk..
perasaan direndahkan, tak dihargai, tak berarti, disakiti semua bercampur jadi satu..

kapan ya hati ini bisa kembali utuh seperti dulu..
kini aku mencoba berjalan dalam serpihan puing-puing..
Tolong,
saya takut tak kuat untuk berdiri..

mami dan cheva jalan2 di citos...

2009-10-05T23:26:00.000-07:00

3B...

2009-06-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

3B bukan beauty, brain, and behaviour yang hendak saya bahas disini... tapi 3B
BOSAN...B ke-1
bingung..B ke-2
Bener bener bosan dan bingung...B ke-3

sudah sebulan ini perasaan nggak bagus dan tidak positif ini berdiam dalam hati.. bener-bener bingung apa yang mesti dilakukan ke depan.. tadinya rencana sekolah lagi tapi gagal dapat beasiswa..semula kupikir,"Ah, sudahlah kalo nggak dapet beasiswanya, ntar terusin aja job yang sekarang." duniaku sedang berbalik saat ini.. gagal dapat beasiswa, saya mendapat info kalo kontrakku di tempat kerja sekarang tidak diperpanjang..alamak, akhirnya saya ngalamin juga di-PHK......pahit.. karena tidak ada activity lainnya selain jadi ibu rumah tangga dan full time mommy buat cheva..saya jujur mengakui bahwa aku bosan...

kalau bosan dan bingung terus, tanpa usaha untuk merubahnya juga salah bukan?
akhirnya suatu malam saya memikirkan beberapa rencana untuk mengisi kegiatan saya di masa y.a.d.:

1. bisnis online..

coba-coba bisnis online..ini resolusi sudah dijalankan.dengan penuh semangat mengikuti promosi salah satu bisnis online.. SOLUSI MESIN DUIT OTOMOMATIS...ternyata...tidak berhasil!!!yeaah bolehlah teriak keras-keras kesel G.A.G.A.L euy...arrrhhhhhhgggggggggggh...

2. coba jualan batik

ini pun sudah dijalani..
belum berhasil atau emang gagal yah?? beli beberapa potong baju dari kawan.kemudian saya coba tawarkan kepada temen-temen, saya pasang di facebook..aiiih, pahitnya...NGGAK LAKU..gak ada yang beli..

3. belajar guitar

anakku kan mau belajar musik piano..bingung kan nungguin sejam mau ngapain..akhirnya kuputuskan belajar guitar deh..ibu dan anak bakalan les sama-sama.. masalahnya dimana? survey dulu deh kursus musik di deket rumah..kalau jauh males juga di jalan..

4. cari kerja baru

jaman susah cari kerja kayak sekarang..sudah beberapa lamaran saya kirimkan tapi belum juga ada yang manggil..NASIB..pengennya sih mencari sebuah pekerjaan yang bisa dilakoni dari rumah.entah kenapa, saya nggak percaya tuh dengan pembantu ataupun baby sitter untuk merawat cheva.lebih baik cheva diasuh oleh neneknya bila bekerja..tapi melihat mama dan mertuaku yang sudah bertambah sepuh, rasanya tak enak hati untuk menitipkan cheva dan saya kembali bekerja..

aiiihhhh....ARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH....bingung nggak jelas..
bosan nggak jelas...
bawaannya suntuk aja..kalau sudah begini bawaan sensitif deh maunya marah-marah...
kasihan juga orang-orang di sekitarku yang kena getahnya...catat disini, orang disekitarku Hanya CHEVA..oh dear, maafkan mami ya suka marah2 belakangan..

entah mengapa, ada perasaan di dalam hati untuk stand out of the crowd and be someone...not just an ordinary person..tapi untuk bisa seperti ini kita harus bisa unggul dalam satu bidang..kalo mau jualan, harus bisa menawarkan sesuatu yang beda dari pasar..kalo mau kerja dan diakui s.m.a.r.t dan c.o.m.p.e.t.e.n.t kita harus berkualitas..pokoknya beda dari orang di sekitarnya..

masalahnya sekarang saya sedang mencari-cari keahlian apa yang bisa menjadi unggulan dalam diriku...
yang nantinya bisa membuatku stand out of the crowd..

akhirnya walaupun saya masih bener bener bingung dan bosan.saya juga sedang bener-bener berusaha bertahan dan tetap menjalani hidup yang terbaik....tsaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah...

menjalani hidup dengan hati yang bersih.

more of batik....batik....batik...

2009-06-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

Kode Barang : RR 05

Kode Barang: RR 06

Kode barang: RR -07

Kode barang : RR-08

******************************************

hai guys...
ini ada baju-baju batik lainnya...

batik...batik...batik..

2009-06-24T08:58:00.000-07:00

Kode barang :RR-01

Kode barang :RR-02

Kode barang :RR-03

Kode barang :RR-04

********************************************

hai...
ini adalah baju-baju batik jualanku..
bilamana ada yang disukai..
kirimkan pesanannya ke r_silitonga2002@yahoo.com

Bu, hamil berapa bulan??Whaaaaaaaaaat??

2009-06-15T09:44:00.000-07:00

Suatu Rabu sore saat bertemu dengan Mama Mertuaku tersayang di Gereja setelah Mama selesai berlatih Paduan Suara..

"Hallo Ri, ayo turun sini..Mana Cheva?Ayo salam dulu Ibu-ibu temen Mama,"sapa Mama ramah sesaat aku membuka pintu mobil selesai parkir.
"Iya Mam..Cheva di sebelahku Mam..,"ujarku menyapa Mama sambil menggandeng tangan Cheva menuju tempat Mama berkumpul dengan teman-temannya.

"Hallo Mam..Maaf telat, Cheva baru bangun jam 3 tadi.Makanya kami baru sampai.Maaf ya, Mam,"ujarku sambil mencium pipi Mama..
"Hai, Mbak Riri kok udah bawa mobil..Selamat ya udah melahirkan! Anaknya perempuan atau laki?"sapa Bu S (sebut saja begitu, soalnya aku nggak hafal namanya..hehehehe)

Dahiku langsung berkerut.What???
Kapan aku hamil..Kapan aku melahirkan lagi setelah Cheva..
(sebagai bayangan muka cengok culun gak jelas mode on)

"Nggak Tante..Saya nggak hamil ataupun melahirkan."
"Lho bukannya kemarin Riri yang melahirkan?"
"Oh bukan Tante, kakak iparku yang baru melahirkan. Tante ketuker.Bukan Riri,"ujarku.Memang kakak iparku yang pertama baru melahirkan.

"Iya Jeng, menantuku yang pertama yang melahirkan,"Mama menengahi pembicaraan kami..
"Ta kirain Riri yang melahirkan, habis setiap ketemu pakai baju hamil."

"Kapan juga ketemu pakai baju hamil.Ada-ada aja Tante ini,"ujarku dalam hati.

Aku tersenyum saja menyeringai..

************************
Gubraaaak pertama

Bah, ini bukan kali pertama aku disangka hamil..Pernah dalam suatu acara kumpul-kumpul keluarga besarku..
Om-ku memberikan ucapan selamat kepadaku di depan semua hadirin,"Riri selamat ya, berita bahagia nih..Selamat atas kehamilannya.."

Astaga malunya..

"Om, bukan saya yang hamil..Kakak yang hamil.."
"Oh bukan Riri toh..Gak papa deh didoakan supaya segera hamil..Habis bajunya kayak baju hamil."
!@#$%%%%%%

Gubraaak kedua !@##$$

************************
Yang paling gokil, suatu hari seusai memberi kuliah di bulan April.Salah seorang mahasiswiku sengaja mendatangiku sambil berbisik,"Bu, saya mendapat penglihatan."

Wuah, mulai bingung deh.Pikiranku sudah berpikir ia punya indra ke-6 ataupun wangsit dan ingin memberitahukanku sesuatu yang penting..

"Menurut penglihatanku Ibu lagi hamil ya."

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhh....Gubraak ketiga
&&^%##!!!!@@

Semua orang kayaknya berpikir aku hamil karena baju yang kupakai..Mungkin juga karena perut gendutku yang semenjak melahirkan gak pernah kembali ke bentuk semula..hahahahaaa..

Bah..bah...Kubuka lemari bajuku...
Setelah lama kuperhatikan, bener juga bajuku longgar-longgar semua ya..
Mirip baju hamil...
Bt juga tiap kali ketemu orang,"Ri, elu hamil ya.berapa bulan?".
Kadang saking bt-nya, kujawab sekenanya,"Iya lagi isi..Isi nasi."

*************************
From this day on need to change fashion style biar gak ditanya.Yeah, need fashion revolution.
Ugrent and quick.Sebelum muncul pertanyaan kepadaku,"Hamil berapa bulan ,Bu?" (please deh)...

bekerja dengan hati

2009-06-15T09:42:00.001-07:00

Seperti biasa setiap hari selasa dan kamis..saya mengantarkan cheva sekolah di Toddler 3 TKK 3 BPK Penabur.bukan hanya mengantarkan, saya juga menunggui cheva hingga tiba waktunya pulang sekolah..

Diantara sekian banyak security pria yang menjaga keamanan dan ketertiban sekolah di lingkungan TK 3 BPK Penabur, ada satu orang security perempuan.
Namanya Ria..

Ria, inilah yang kerap kali menemaniku ngobrol sambil menunggu waktu selesai sekolah. Sosok pribadinya yang hangat dan menyukai anak2,membuatnya akrab dengan anak-anak di lingkungan TKK 3 BPK Penabur dan juga orang tua siswa. Sungguh ajaib, melihatnya hafal semua nama murid TKK 3 BPK mulai dari kelas Toddler, PG, K-1, dan K-2. Bukan hanya nama anak yang dia hafal.Ria juga hafal semua orang tua anak atau Mbak si anak..
Memang mungkin bagian dari tugasnya, untuk mencegah terjadinya penculikan anak atau hilangnya anak di lingkungan sekolah yah..

********************************
Seperti biasa kami ngobrol namun ada yang berbeda dari obrolan kami hari ini..Biasanya kami ngobrol tentang tumbuh kembang anak-anak kami yang sebaya..Cheva sebaya dengan Jasmine-anaknya Ria..
Hari ini kami bicara soal pekerjaan..

"Hai Ri, apa kabar?"

"Kabar baik Mami Cheva.."

"Tidak terasa ya Ri, sebentar lagi tahun ajaran sekolah akan berakhir dan bagi raport,"ujarku," Ntar kita nggak ketemu lagi ya Ri.Cheva kan pindah sekolah.."

"Iya, Mami Cheva..nggak terasa udah setahun saya disini..Tanggal segini setahun yang lalu, saya sedang siap2 dipindahkan dari BPK Kelapa Gading kesini..Mula-mula menakutkan untuk pindah kesini.Ternyata setelah dijalani saya betah disini.."

"Kenapa betah disini Ri?"tanyaku penasaran.

"Lingkungannya membuat saya nyaman..dan saya mencintai anak-anak disini..
Kemarin sempet sih,pimpinan saya menawarkan untuk pindah lokasi kerja di sebuah supermarket terkenal dengan gaji lebih besar..Tapi saya tolak karena saya kadung suka tempat ini.Saya disini sudah bekerja dengan hati, Mami Cheva.."

Sistem keamanan di sekolah cheva menggunakan jasa outsourcing. Perusahaan security tempat Ria bernaung memungkinannya untuk pindah lokasi kerja.

"Wuah, nggak banyak tuh orang yang bekerja dengan hati tanpa melihat besarnya gaji, ya Ri.."

Sesudah pembicaraan ini kami kembali membicarakan seperti biasa Cheva dan Jasmine...hahahaa...

*******************************

Namun saya cukup tertegur dengan ucapan Ria tadi pagi.Sampai sekarang masih terngiang di kepala saya pembicaraan kami tadi pagi..
Jujur saja, selama ini saya mau menerima sebuah tawaran pekerjaan bilamana gajinya besar..Tidak melihat apakah hati saya betul-betul mencintai bidang pekerjaan saya..Selama ini yang saya kejar hanya uang rupanya...hehehehe..Jaman sekarang siapa sih yang nggak butuh uang ya kan??

Tapi saya jadi berpikir dan setuju alangkah bahagianya dalam apapun pekerjaan kita..
kita sebaiknya bekerja dengan hati..
hati yang sukacita
hati yang ikhlas
hati yang tulus

@ rumah janita part 2..

2009-02-14T06:37:00.001-08:00

di rumah janita

2009-02-14T06:31:00.000-08:00

hai papa

2009-02-11T21:10:00.000-08:00

hai papa..
tetap semangat..
asyik ntar lagi cheva ketemu papa :D
ini cheva dan mami lagi belajar dan main2 sebelum bobo kemarin malam..
tadi kami ke pasar mini dan bank bni..
tadi cheva jg sekolah..
GBU
love u papa

imlek @ school

2009-01-27T04:04:00.001-08:00

from the begining till the end..i love u

2009-01-09T02:03:00.000-08:00

Till The End of Time

this poem is specially dedicated to a loving father, loving husband
Raymond P Hutabarat

Through the winds I whisper my love to you..
Through the stars i send you my prayers...

I have loved you from the beginning
And will continue loving you till eternity comes..

When I look upon the sun
I wander what you are doing..
Hoping that you will be in good condition..

I am sorry for dissapointing you so many times..
I'm just human..
I will fight to make you happy..
I will do my best to be a better person.

Let's grow old together..
Let's see our children grow up..
I want to spend my whole life with you..
Through joy and sadness..
I will not leave your side..
Your trust and love is my strength to go on..
I believe Jesus is holding us all together..
You, me, and cheva..

You make me a better person..
You bring out the best in me..

Raymond, I love you..
From the begining till the end..
I will always love you..

why is so hard to say no..

2009-01-09T01:57:00.000-08:00

i have a bad habbit: hard to say no..
even though all my heart wants to say no to ones request..
my other bad charachter, is wanting to please so many people..
ok, at big glance this character sometimes seams good..
but so many times i have to surrender my own will to let others happy..

need to be more consistent when making up my mind so many people will not get confused :(

ticket to heaven...

2009-01-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

Jakarta..9.49 pm..

Hmm..I look out from my apartment window, Jakarta is so beautiful with all the lights on.Then I look into the master bedroom, where my beautiful Cheva is sleeping peacefully (thank God such a great blessing, remembering old days where she couldn't sleep so well at night)..

My thoughts go back wandering to the Christmas and Year End vacation at Bandung.
Ah, if those lovely days could come back (a.k.a vacation time)..Oh,I miss the holidays.Free of routines, free of stressful traffic jams (oh my Gosh..i love holidays.Yeah!!who doesn't??)

bandung,24 dec 08 07.40 pm..at mama's house

tit tit..tit tit..my cellphone rang, notifying an sms coming in..
From: 081220...
To: O811149..
Message:
Kak Ri, we are outside the church..We can't enter the church because we don't have an entry ticket
Oh my gosh, there are so many people who are coming to the service..

From: 0811149..
To: 081220..
Message:
Haah, you need a ticket to come in.Stay put, maybe somehow you guys will get a ticket in.Ok, take care..Keep in touch ok..

From: 081220...
To: O811149..
Hopefully there be a way inside..Bye Kak..

Somehow they got 3 tickets and successfully followed the service that night.Thank God, after standing outside the church for 25 minutes!!

On the morning 25th December 2008, the whole family of Ny.Martahan Silitonga (except for Raymond who is still working at Venezuela..Gosh,working on Christmas and New Years..Don't do this again next year Yang!! i'll be definitly be angry 300%..ladfjajfalkjfakjfla******)

"Dek,how was last nights service and how did you guys get tickets to come in.It's just like watching a concert so you need tickets to enter,"I asked my sister Intan.

"Huuh, amazing how thousands of people wanted to celebrate Christmas..It wasn't surprising, the Christmas Night Service was for all the Bandung District not only the Dago Area,"Intan answered me.

"Oh I see. But how did you get in?"I asked curiosly.

"Be patient, Sis..Mama and I arrived at the church around 6.30 pm. And Hotma was finding a parking lot. Due to thousands of people coming to the service, you could imagine how hard it was to find a parking lot."

"That's right Rin, so many people.And we didn't know, you need tickets to get in,"my mother joined the chat.

Than my mother enthusiastically told the struggling experience to get 3 tickets..

"Mama had to find a way to enter the church. The usher didn't allow people to come in.
He adviced them to wait till 7pm, whether there are some empty chairs. The first priority was for people with entry tickets. At first, so many people without tickets left the church not wanting to wait."

"Yeah Kak, so many went home..But Mama patiently waited near the usher,"Intan continued Mama's story.

"Mama said not to give up easily..Mama didn't want go home, without celebrating Christmas.
I told mama to give up and go home. But Mama persistently insisted to wait."

"Of course Mama would like to wait, it's obvious.I've traveled this far to meet Jesus," Mama defended her actions.
My mother is a very religious person who loves Jesus with all of her heart.She has also a persistent and determine character to achieve her goals.So, what Intan told me wasn't something new.A character I amaze so much..

"Faith and patience are two good things that succeeded well that night. A young lady then came forward to us, and said I have two extra tickets, she gave the tickets to us. But we were short by one ticket,"Mama continued her story.

"I suggested Mama that we should enter the church first, and let Hotma follow us later," said Intan.

"Mama definitely objected this idea, we have to come in together.So we can sit together, and won't find difficulty finding each other when we go home," said Mama.

"Mama kept on waiting,when suddenly an old woman walked to the usher standing next to Mama. The lady whispered something to the ushers ear.Then, the usher took 2 tickets out of his pocket. And gave one ticket to the lady. Guess what Kak, mama grabbed the other ticket quickly...hahahahaahah," said Intan..

"Yep, I told the usher..Gotcha..this one is for my son in law," said Mama.

"Wow, such an experience..What if that was like a queue to enter heaven..And so many people didn't have any tickets to come in. Then the usher is like the angel who guards the door of heavens..When there is an extra ticket, people who is fast will have the opportunity to enter heaven like Mama,"my brother in-law, Hotma, ended the conversation.

And we all laughed to that simple experience on Christmas Eve..

"Yep, only little can enter heaven..And the only ticket for us to enter heaven is to trust in Jesus Christ.."

2009 resolution of Riana Magdalena

2009-01-06T06:32:00.000-08:00

hmm....setelah cukup lama merenung, ada jg nih target2 buat resolusi tahun baru..
setelah melalui pemikiran mendalam..woalahh..here are the resolutions:

melayani jadi guru sekolah minggu di Gereja ( first priority and it seems a good choice, can be with cheva in the classroom..Praise God)
melayani Tuhan dengan menjadi singer
belajar main guitar (this one is a whisper from God)
dapet beasiswa sekolah di Aussie
dapet kerja part time yang gak bentrok dengan jadwal sekolah cheva dan..gajinya gede (maunya tuh)
taking photography courses (darimana duitnya ya..tapi secara hati sangat tertarik..gimana nih Bang..boleh ya ikut...sebagai opportunity for a new career in photography..don't need to work from 9 to 5 kan :D
opening a PlayGroup and Kindergarten School (long vision dream)

hopefully it can be achieved..
all of these goals are dedicated for Gods glory...

photo's from vacation

2009-01-05T07:31:00.000-08:00

apa sih yang dicari??

2008-12-16T05:30:00.000-08:00

"Mami, mau cucus...Mami mau cucus (-susu-)," rengekan disertai tangisan keluar dari bibir kecil Cheva, anakku yang berusia 26 bulan..
Setengah hati kubuka mataku yang masih terkantuk-kantuk, kulihat keluar jendela apartemen. Di luar masih gelap gulita. Lampu-lampu gedung bertingkat masih menyala dengan indahnya.Kulihat jam wekerku. Ya ampun..

Waktu menunjukkan pukul 03.25.
"Mami, cucus..Mami, mau cucus," tangisan cheva kini bertambah kencang, tak sabar untuk minum susu..
"Iya, iya..Sabar sayang," ujarku setengah ngantuk,"Tunggu ya Mami bikin dulu."
Dengan langkah gontai, aku menuju dapur yang letakny:a persis di luar pintu kamar.
Maklumlah, tinggal di apartemen type 53m2 :)

Sambil membuat susu, aku berpikir dalam hati,"Kapan putri cantikku ini tidur lelap sepanjang malam, dan aku nggak perlu membuat susu lagi."
Ya, sabar-sabar aja.Dijalani aja semuanya.

Setelah selesai membuat susunya kembali kulangkahkan kakiku menuju kamar,"Cheva, cheva ini susunya."

"Mami pegang..(maksudnya mami yang pegang botol susunya) Mami pegang."
"Lho, lho, Cheva kan udah besar.Cheva pegang botolnya sendiri ya."
Walopun sempat merajuk akhirnya Cheva mau juga memegang botol susunya..

Dan setelah susu selesai diminum, Cheva kembali tidur..
Begitulah kehidupanku setiap subuh..Mungkin sama dengan ibu2 lainnya diluar sana yang memiliki batita..

........

Kriiing...kriiinng...kraaannng..kreeenng..kroongg..
Suara alarm handphoneku secara mengejutkan berbunyi.
Kutengadahkan kepalaku melihat jam..
Ya ampun sudah pukul 05.00..gawatz..kudu cepet2 bangun nih. Ada interview jam 08.30. Memang masih lama, tapi letaknya jauh bener dari rumahku.
Aku tinggal di Cawang Jakarta Timur. Tempat testnya di Lippo Karawaci Tangerang..
Bagaikan Kutub Utara dan Kutub Selatan jauhnya. Pada test pertama kali kesana aku menggunakan bis..Ya ampun, lama banget nyampenya. Sekarang bawa mobil sendiri..
Setelah selesai membuatkan mamaku dan cheva sarapan, memandikan cheva, dan terakhir menyiapkan keperluan test.Berangkatlah aku.

"Mam, titip cheva ya..Testnya selesai sekitar jam 12.30,"ujarku kepada mamaku yang special datang dari Bandung untuk menjaga Cheva selama aku pergi untuk mengikuti test di UPH.

Masih terbayang dalam benakku percakapan kami 2 hari yang lalu via telpon.

*************************

"Mam, hari Selasa nanti Ririn ada test di UPH, apa sebaiknya Ririn nggak ikut aja ya,"ujarku kepada Mama.

"Lho, kenapa nggak ikut? Ini kan kesempatan bagus. Bukannya kamu ingin kembali kerja. Sekarang Cheva juga sudah besar kan,"ujar Mama.

"Iya sih Mam, tapi siapa yang jaga Cheva?"

'Gini aja deh. Mama kan ngajar hari Senin pagi. Senin siang mama akan ke jakarta naik KA.
Terus Selasa sore Mama pulang, karena hari Rabu Mama mesti ngajar lagi."

Oya, Mamaku adalah seorang dosen di sebuah Fakultas Kedokteran Universitas ternama di Bandung.

"Ok deh, Mam..thank u banget yah.Ntar Ririn dan Cheva jemput di St.Jatinegara."

**********************************
Cheva menangis,"Mami..Mami, Cheva ikut Mami."

"Cheva sayang, Mami pergi sebentar test ya.Ntar siang ketemu lagi.Kita main lagi sama-sama ya."

"Mami, nggak mau..Cheva mau ikut."Cheva terus merajuk hendak ikut dan tak mengizinkan aku pergi. Sedih juga hatiku melihatnya. Telah terbiasa bersamanya 24/7 membuatku berat untuk meninggalkannya.

"Sudah, sudah Cheva, kan ada Opung." Mamaku membujuk Cheva.Cheva menoleh kepada Mama dan akhirnya tangisnya mereda.

Kucium kening Cheva dan segera berangkat.Takut macet..

***************************

Sepanjang perjalanan menuju UPH hujan rintik-rintik mengguyur kota Jakarta.
Langit tampak hitam mendung..
Kenapa ya tiap mau test ke UPH selalu hujan, pikirku dalam hati.
Apa ini tanda alam kalau Tuhan nggak setuju aku kesini??

Teringat dalam benakku perkataan suamiku via email 3 hari yang lalu. Email ini merupakan balasan dari emailku yang ngasih tahu kalo aku dipanggil test ke UPH.

From: Riana Magdalena [mailto:r_silitonga2002@yahoo.com]
Sent: Saturday, December 13, 2008 7:57 AM
To: Raymond P H
Subject: Soo what's next??

Hi Cantiq,

Very nice picture at your blog, it's really nice and lovely.. anyway why the picture of Cheva not smile? or She smile like that, we need to change her smile to be like her picture at 2nd birthday .......... orrr She angry because her father is far away from her?? i'm really a stupid father

any way this picture make me feel guilty and want to go home, it's true that i'm stupid to work like this, far away from family... i'm really stupid husband...

please forgive me.........
congratulations on the info for the next test at UPH..
Ri, sebenernya apa sih yang elu cari??
gue kadang nggak ngerti mau elu. Kemarin di email elu nanya pendapat gue apa pergi nggak ke test 1 di UPH?
Bukannya elu bilang nggak mau dan mau fokus cari beasiswa??
Kok sekarang malah pergi ke UPH?
Kadang gue bingung elu maunya apa..

Love u,

Ray..

Iya ya, apa sih yang sebenarnya aku cari..
Apa betul aku mau balik kerja? Apa itu yang sebetulnya aku inginkan.
Pertanyaan ini terus menghantui hati dan pikiranku sepanjang perjalananku ke Karawaci.

Pukul 7.20, tibalah aku di pelataran parkir UPH.
"Thanks God for guiding me here safe and sound." ujarku dalam hati berdoa pada-Nya.
Ini pertama kalinya aku menyetir sendiri kesini, rasanya takjub banget bisa sampai dengan selamat tanpa disertai kemacetan jalanan..

Setelah mengikuti test TOEFL dan psikotest selama 3 jam.

Aku kembali masuk dalam Hyundai Accent hitamku.
Masuk jalan tol Jakarta Merak. Nggak ada kemacetan berarti.Jalanan mulus.

"Apa sih yang kucari?"Kembali pertanyaan itu kembali terbersit di kepalaku.

Menempuh jarak begini jauh, meninggalkan Cheva, membuat Mama Bandung repot datang dari Bandung.

"Apakah ini benar-benar yang kamu impikan,Riana?"

Venez bed room

2008-12-15T18:23:00.001-08:00

at the church...

2008-12-14T17:26:00.000-08:00

I Believe..

2008-12-13T05:33:00.000-08:00

trying to understand how to recognize God's voice when He speeks to us..
wanting so hard to experiencing God so completely in my life as Jehovah Jireh, Jehovah Rapha, and Jehovah Shallom..
wanting so hard to experience being the child of The King Almighty..
wanting so hard to please Him..

i want to change my life to focus on Jesus..
nowdays, i am only focusing on what I want in life, I want to change and ask God,"How can I serve You God? Use me according to Your ways."

there is one song I learnt from a church service at Duta Injil 3 weeks ago,
this song was sang by Edward Chen in his new album Adore..

Hatiku Percaya

Saat ku tak melihat jalanMu
Saat ku tak mengerti rencanaMu
Namun tetap kupegang janjiMu
Pengharapanku hanya padaMu

Hatiku percaya
Hatiku percaya
Hatiku percaya

Selalu kupercaya

Lord I will trust in You
Lord I will trust in You
Lord I will trust in You
My heart will trust in You

This song has blessed me so much..
Not to question God when things are going the opposite way I planned..When so much questions come into my heart, and I get so confused I sing this song..And God gives me peace and a new strength to go on..
I am really lucky to be chosen as God's child..I am really blessed to have Jesus in my life..

I don't know what path I am going to walk in, but I am not worried any more because I believe in Jesus..

Yang, ini foto2 gue di UPH sebelum wawancara..lounge rektoratnya cool abis ya..

13 december 2008

2008-12-13T05:14:00.000-08:00

cheva,my sweet and lovely daughter is all asleep now..
tired after along day at her uncles house today..
there was a ceremony to celebrate moving into the new house, using bataknese tradition..
along with her uncles birthday, the celebration went all day long at cikunir..

before going there, i took some photo's of me and cheva..
we were all dressed up, beautiful enough to go to the ceremony..
actually cheva was beautiful, and i look more like L.E.N.O.N.G...
or maybe like chinesse vampire, my make up was two white..all because of the foundation i used today..but -Maybelline- is very good..it reduces the oil from my face from morning to afternoon (eks sales of Maybelline..ups..sorry, no intention of promoting here :D)

cheva love's the playground

2008-12-11T23:47:00.000-08:00

hai dear...

how was work yesterday? hopefully everything is going great there..
today in the morning..me and cheva played in the playground downstairs..
she had a great time..

i took some pictures..
she looks so happy doesn't she..
today, it was shiny in the morning..
so we went to the playground..

she looks so beautiful doesn't she..

christmas will be so lonely without you..

i miss u honey..

2008-12-11T07:29:00.000-08:00

this christmas and new year will be so different without you..
i really miss you and hope you were here..

life is so different without you..
the happiness I feel with cheva feels so uncomplete..

nowdays cheva has a new hobby,
she likes to take pictures of herself..yep..imagine a two year old taking pictures of herself using my handphone..
this is one of her pictures..

cheva's 2 birthday

2008-12-11T07:21:00.000-08:00

my beautiful cheva on her 2nd birthday

confused..

2008-12-11T07:06:00.000-08:00

what would you choose?
an opportunity for a job at a prestigious university?
or an uncertain hope for a dream to continue your education at Australia?

what would you choose?
being a housewife and full time mother? or being a career woman?

what would you choose?
chasing your dreams? or letting other people control your life?

i'm in the middle of a deep contemplation..
choosing the right decision that would affect the happiness of me, my husband, and daughter..

it's tough, but I have to decide.

feeling hopeless

2008-12-08T21:58:00.000-08:00

i don't know why right now it's so hard for me to feel grateful about anything..
it seems that everything i do is not good and seems to experience failure..
am i a looser?
my mother in law just came and brought me and cheva a new TV set for us (actually it was from their house and not used any more..) but still to me it's new..
well, we are not going to talk about TV here..the point is, i tried to clean up the house,wash the dirty clothes, bath cheva and me as quickly as I can..but still I find there are so many dirt in the house when she arrived..

i keep on wandering, what will she think of me..
i imagine her right now, talking to my father in law,"Oh My God, how dirty her house is.No wander our grandchild is sick".
I feel that I've failed to take care of cheva's health, that's why she is suffering from asma right now :(
she vomited 4 times yesterday..I shouldn't went to bandung the other day..

I failed in the scholarship process, I failed in the interview process at UPH last week.
I failed to please my husband just by going to the interview. Yep, Raymond didn't approve me attending the interview.
I fail to please God, in full filling my commitment to serve Him in church.
I keeep on contemplating right now, why am I like this..
I need to change..
Life should be much more meaningful and worthy to live in. I need a change of heart..
I need new spirit and passion to keep on going.
Oh gosh, what a holiday would be great..
Need to plan new steps for the future..can't fail anymore..need to focus..
Riana wake up, don't sleep while living!!! You will stumble again and again..

my soul longs for You!!

2008-11-21T13:05:00.000-08:00

It has come to my deepest thoughts about my self as a human being on this earth.

What are the purposes of my presence here on earth.

Why is my life so awkward and seem so meaningless?

It seems that something is missing…but what is it? I’m still searching..

And I will search until my last breath.

If I look around, I’m surrounded by one word COMFORT..

Yep, I’m living in the comfort zone..This to me is danger. I’m afraid that I can’t leap from this zone..

I’m never comfortable in this zone, and always willing to run.

I keep on running, but when should I stop..

I keep on searching, bet when should I find the true answers to all of my questions..

When is the word “enough” come out and fills my heart?

I live in a small and cozy apartment in the middle of this big city Jakarta.

I have a gorgeous husband and a beautiful daughter.

I have enough food to eat, I have enough love from my husband and daughter.

But why am I still not feeling complete…

Something is missing..and I’m whispering to wind,”Please tell the world I’m missing something? Something is lost from me? Can you help me find it? Please tell the nine winds to search through the earth, where can it be?”

In this lonely morning at 3.44 am, life has just started to wake up from a long sleep.

Through these years, I’ve been sleeping though I am awake.

Through these years, I can’t sleep well at night and becoming an insomnia freak.

I don’t know, am I suffering from such a psychological disturbance or something?

Why am I thinking all the and contemplating on my self, finding out what’s wrong with me?

Is it so wrong to have a dream..

Is it so wrong for a “kampungnese” (for what my husband calls me “urang kampung”) person like me to chase a dream.

I’ve always trusted my heart, though sometimes people seem to underestimate my decisions. But these past years I’ve changed, I’m trying to trust God with all I am.

So I pray...

God please be in my head and in my heart.

So every step I make will be according to your will.

I’ve been running all these time from the Ultimate One!

I’m tired..I give my life, I give my dreams to you..

Lord, please tell me what are Your ways? I’m so stupid and feeling so weary trying to understand what is Your will..

Is there any opportunity my dreams and Your will collide?

I’ve been through so many hardship that I’m starting to question so many things, even my faith in You..I’m so soory Lord..

I feel like the most precious part of me is vanishing and missing..If the most important thing is missing than how can I live..

Please don’t let me be alone..I really really want to hug You,Lord.

Please let me feel Your presence..

Please..

Please give me back the heart of loving you completely..

Please lessen my burdens..

Lord, please come back and live in my heart..in my blood, in my breath, in every existence I am, please be in me..

I miss u so much Lord Jesus…